My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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