Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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