so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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