I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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