I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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