every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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