Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
