I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
