K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
