I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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