I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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