1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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