Umm I'm too high to move.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
