Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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