My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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