He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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