She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
