I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
