12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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