so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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