I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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