Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
