Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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