this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
