every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
