Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
