good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
