i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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