If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
