Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
