They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
