Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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