just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
