My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
