Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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