Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
