Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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