I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well I just put wine in my tea
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
