That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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