he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
