When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize