I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
