I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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