i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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