can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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