We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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