One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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