I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
