I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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