Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
