I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
