Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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