She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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