first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
