Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
