1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Randomize