apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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