Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
