i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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