Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
