If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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