dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
