The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
