Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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