im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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