You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
