i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize