Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
